Just Give It Time

On postpartum, matrescence, and the things no one can answer

July was proof that time can heal.

If you’re new here, I wrote a Part One of how everything went down and promised there would be a second part. The NICU journey, the good & bad, the way life re-started when we brought Maia home, taking care of a small baby. But every time I sat to write it down, I couldn’t.

I realized I don’t want to. I’m not ready yet (maybe I will be, maybe I won’t be).

The past few months I’ve been holding onto so much pain and trauma. I’ve been pushed to feel like I don’t deserve anything good. I’ve held so much space and gratitude for Maia being okay and healthy and smiling and loved by the world around her that I left almost no room to ensure the same for me.

Trauma sits with you in waves. It doesn’t feel intense all the time, and the further you get from it, the more it feels like it never happened. Especially when you have a cutie, wide-eyed, always smiling baby staring back at you.

Sometimes I don’t remember the earliest months of this year at all. It’s all a haze (and no, not the Yellow Haze they sing about in Off Campus but also thank god that show released when it did). But then something will trigger a thought and remind me that no, this did happen.

Driving on the highway and passing the hospital. Getting my blood pressure taken at an annual physical exam (I’ve developed severe health anxiety and white coat hypertension). Having the state’s Early Intervention team come evaluate Maia as a required early preemie follow-up. So many other small things.

I think most people in my life, even the closest to me, don’t know how much pain I’ve endured, both mental and physical. And I’ve realized that keeping it this way has helped me heal more. Sharing the deepest of it all with people I love has been harder than I thought. Weird, for an oversharer, but I’m allowing myself to only choose what feels right. One can only endure so many “it’s so great you had time to heal while baby was in the NICU” conversations without somewhat losing it. It has however, made postpartum, which is already a severely isolating experience, feel even more lonely.

I’ve worked so hard to put myself back together piece by piece and only 15% of that work is done. The Type A, perfectionist, Capricorn moon in me unfortunately slowly came back once the dust had settled. The joy and the light has been having a healthy baby at the end of the road and slowly getting my own health back as well. I shudder when I think of the moms I met in the NICU who went through what I did but have to worry about their babies health’ in a more severe way.

Postpartum is brutal — one way or another, no matter what your birth story is like, no matter how easy or hard. Holy shit. They weren’t kidding. This is the only topic that I’m ok with seeing an excessive amount of Instagram Reels on. And it doesn’t go away in 6 weeks or 4 months. It becomes a part of you.

Maybe that’s the matrescence of it all.

In the early days, so many doctors and specialists we spoke to would say “just give it time.” I did not do well with that statement. It pushed me to the edge.

My husband would be on the receiving end of that spiral loop. Somehow the two of us just found ourselves in the middle of this storm, being the ones going through it but also the ones who had to fight to figure it out. Nothing pushes you to be adults when you have to make medical decisions for yourself and a new little baby at the same time. We kept looking around the room when doctors would ask us things, like wait, us??

As someone who needs all the answers and cannot deal with uncertainty, to be in the position I was without knowing when my baby would come home, when I would be out of the “danger zone,” when my baby would start gaining weight, when her feeds would get a bit easier, when she would sleep, when my brain wouldn’t catastrophize everything — everything required time.

Unfortunately for me, they were all right. And still are to this day.

July felt like the switch turned on a light slowly to being able to enjoy the present. To enjoy my baby, to enjoy my life again. I think of my life now in 2 phases, before Maia and after Maia. I know a lot of people feel that way in general after having a baby, for me it is definitely that but it’s also the person I was before and that I am now. I have so much perspective now. I’m so proud of myself???

Even in a room full of people I love, I find myself tuning out at times because the ability to connect feels harder. It ebbs and flows. Don’t worry, we’re working on this in therapy.

Something funny that happens once you bring a baby home is the focus is all on the baby. I’ve had to reach into the inner depths of my guilt and try to put myself first in many ways. I’ve also had the privilege to have a village in helping raise Maia and get her healthy while carving out time for myself.

My “healing stack” includes doctors appointments + lab work, therapy, slow movement, rotting in bed here and there (the best form of medicine), a glass (or two) of a chilled Sauvy Blanc, watching my parents re-find their joy in Maia, friend hangs, a nanny for Maia that finally seemed to fit into our lifestyle and routine, outfit selfies which sometimes cause even more mental health agony lol, cooking again, astrology readings, tons of ice cream, nutritionist consultations for the severe post preeclampsia inflammation & bloating in my body and now onto tackling my acne (ugh), date nights (THE MOST IMP!) and the list goes on.

I’m back to work which felt like another rollercoaster, but was something I needed to do. To have something to think about outside Maia and myself has helped immensely. Nothing quite like a good old marketing fire drill to make life feel normal-ish again.

And now every day there’s a new phase that yet again requires time — teething, sleep regressions, re-loving my body and getting my strength back, starting solids.

I’ll end with this.

I know nothing yet in the grand scheme of motherhood. But the single greatest lesson I’ve learned in the past 7 months is that being a parent is a series of events where no one knows the answer and all you have to do is wait.

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